I Wouldn't Have You

I often find myself thinking back on the path that led me to where I am today - married to my best friend, with three of the most amazing, lovable, perfect little human beings I could ever dream of. Lucky does not even begin to cover it. I truly believe I am living the life I was destined for - one where not all my prayers were answered - but for good reason...

~ Ricky ~

I'm 15. My tears fall hot on the August pavement as my high school love breaks my heart. After almost 2 years of dating, he attempts to let me down easy by twisting words from my all-time favorite movie: "You are someone I could spend the rest of my life with...but I don't want the rest of my life to start right now". {When Harry Met Sally} Ouch. I spent the rest of my high school career trying to get over him while pretending I already was. 

I'm 17 and starting out fresh -- leaving my broken heart far behind me as I begin college with a renewed spirit. I meet a cute soccer player at a party and quickly let myself fall in love again. It was a dramatic relationship. Ups and downs, breaking up and making up. Exhausting really, but I was certain that I was supposed to make it work. Love is work after all, right? I spent 3 years with this boy. Two was probably enough. When we finally realized we weren't meant to be I was relieved, but worried that I would never meet Mr. Right.

I'm 21. I spend a year working on myself and just being me. And that is when I meet you. Coincidence? I doubt it. All in the greater plan. Had my high school love not let me go, had I forced a college relationship to work 'just because', I never would have known the happiness I know today. I might have known love, but, I wouldn't have YOU.

~ Ethan ~

Your daddy and I are married a year and talking about starting a family. We both know it is something we want, we just aren't sure we are ready. Our friends are still single and care free. How would we relate to anyone anymore? Then, it happens. Two pink lines and you became real. For 9 months you grew inside of me and we prepared as best as we could. We try to balance being new parents with maintaining some kind of social life. It's hard, some friendships fade away. And that's okay. Because if we waited, if we had decided that being young and free of responsibility was more important than knowing the love of a child, then sure, we might have had a few more months or years of frivolous fun before getting pregnant. But...I wouldn't have YOU.

~ Aiden ~

We wanted more kids, but had no idea it could happen so fast. I placed your brother Ethan, then just 3 months old, into his crib and tip-toed into the bathroom. Two pink lines. Wow. Some people told us we were crazy for having two babies so close together. That we would need lots of help over the next couple years. And boy were they right. Everything about you was a surprise to us - your quick pregnancy, your early labor and delivery, your syndrome. The shock we felt when you were born dug a hole deep into our hearts. This couldn't have happened. The whole time you were growing inside me I prayed you were healthy. Was God not listening to me? Was I being punished? Although it didn't take any time at all to love you, it did take some time to let go of expectations. And to trust that God knew what he was doing. Because if he had given me a perfectly healthy little baby, our lives would be different, maybe easier even. But...I wouldn't have YOU.

~ Hudson ~ 

It took us a while to feel ready to have another baby, your daddy and I. There was so much to do with Aiden's medical care after he was born and the simple task of caring for two boys 11 months apart was a challenge as well. But then, we were finally in a good place. Things with Aiden settled down and we made some big decisions for our family (moved from Indiana to Texas!) Things felt right. It was time. We had no doubt that we would get pregnant quickly. A few months went by - but I didn't worry. I was actually still not 100% sure we could handle three kids so I figured God was giving me time. A few more months passed and I started to get anxious. By that time I wanted another baby SO badly and feared it would never happen. We stressed, we saw doctors, we carefully timed each month. And finally, our hard work had paid off. It was really early on when we told the boys I was pregnant. They were excited and talked about it each day. But then, I got a call that changed everything. I had lost the baby. This happened twice. I went through every emotion -- angry at God for getting my hopes up, sadness for losing babies that we'd never know, jealousy for the friends and family members who became pregnant and were happily sharing the news. It was hard. So hard. 

We had all but given up when a few months later, two pink lines. Could it be? I cautiously became more hopeful as each blood test showed good numbers. Once I made it to 12 weeks I allowed myself to relax. It was happening. We would in fact be a family of 5. Then, in the middle of the hot Texas summer, you were born. Our third boy, Hudson William. I'd be lying if I said I never thought about the babies that I lost so early on. But in that moment, when I heard your cry, it became clear. If I had successfully carried either of those pregnancies, I would have a different little being bouncing around at home. I wouldn't know your smile. Your kissable cheeks. Your chubby legs. I wouldn't have YOU.

In the moment it is almost impossible not to fear the unknown. But without all the heartache, the unanswered prayers, the doubt, I wouldn't have Ricky, Ethan, Aiden and Hudson.

And if I didn't have THEM, I wouldn't be ME.